simple pleasures

i want so badly to be able to just travel and clear the slate. so much has built up within me this past year, so many complications both of the heart and soul, that i would much rather release. i yearn to fly anywhere and just find myself. it sounds completely cliche but i am young, i want to do adventurous, spontaneous things i would never get a chance to do at any other point in my life.

my ultimate goal is to travel study next summer in europe. i envision myself meeting new people, learning about new cultures, picking up new languages, making amazing memories, and seeking the fulfillment that only traveling will give me.

but if travels are unattainable at the moment, i seek adventures. like how i ran to santa monica beach at 5:30am with david ji just for the hell of it. and so we could contemplate and look at the ocean.

that really was the best morning of my life. i felt so full of love for life. what is this great sense of happiness? there are so many types of happiness- how could i bottle up this kind and save it for a rainy day? there is no happiness more fulfilling than this.

not what i thought

i thought we were on the same page. at least that was the impression he gave me throughout about the last 2 weeks that we have spoken. i finally met him yesterday, and yes i like him. he is everything i've been looking for in a person my entire life. i'm not over the other him, but this new one is nice. we went out, and it went really well all the way up 'til we got to my house and just hung out. perhaps it was something i said? it just makes no sense to me. i had no intentions of inferring that there were serious undertones to our date/hangout. i was just having fun meeting someone who shared so many similarities with me, and i thought that was that. now i fear it might be messed up before it has even begun or gotten a chance to begin. i just don't know. yes, i asked him to prom, but i didn't think he could derive anything serious from that.

and now i wonder about his affairs. he's telling me he needs to get his stuff straight before he can give consideration to us (whatever us is). now i wonder if he's tied to anyone. is he fucking with me? my mom was right, i was going to get hurt. karma, she said. but damn. so fast. this thing is just getting more confusing as time passes, and it hurts. i didn't think i did anything wrong. i just hope it works out, and everything goes back to normal. but damn, haven't felt this emotionally crappy in a while. rejection (or the possibility of it) hurts.

another year past

I truly cannot believe it is 2009. And yet I can. I'm actually pretty stoked that it's finally 2009. It places me one step closer to graduation, summer '09 (which will be bomb!), and college. Man, so many changes to come this year, and I am ready and willing to embrace them all.

I haven't been on here for a while. Basically a lack of time. But I feel like an update. A lot has happened since my last post in, what, July? School's becoming more and more of a drag as I see how immature everyone at school is and how dumb half the shit that occurs is. I've truly discovered my real friends this year. It's been kind of lonely in ASB just because there's tension with me and some people (I wonder why? Who knows?), but I'm really just kind of over it. Once my rally is done, ASB will be whatever. Especially with the gym getting renovated, our ASB activities will be limited in that aspect.

As for color rally, I'm not so excited about that either. Perhaps it's just because I'm so damn busy. But I know it'll be fun; Cynthia is going to make it good.

It's almost my 2 freaking year anniversary with Jeffrey. I am astonished. Where did the time go?! I'm excited, but you have to understand I have NO IDEA where the time went. But I've had so many good times with him. I seriously can't envision myself with anyone else. What will I do, how drastically would my life change, what would I be like without him? I don't know... but it scares me that someday I WILL have to know. My hope is that we can at least try the long distance thing when I go off to college, but who knows? It might hurt too much to hold on. But even so, after investing so much time/effort, why wouldn't you try? God, it's a crazy situation.

College has been motivating me to continue working my ass off. Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford, Columbia, USC, UCLA, UCSD, UC Berkeley... please accept me. I want so badly to go Ivy League that I fear a public school will not suffice. I hope rejection doesn't hurt me too badly.

And Mr. Amasuga... please give me an A! God, I don't know how much it would hurt to get my 2nd B right when I have to submit Midyear Reports for college. Ugh. Life is so hard right now.

God give me the strength to continue on strong.

Thanks.

indescribable

I am so angry I am shaking. I get destructive when I'm angry and only he brings out that side of me. Every time, I want to kill him. How dare he bitch about today. I go out once that he knows of and he bitches. I'm 17, what the hell do you expect from me? I don't even know what his problem is. And then he bitches to my mom? About texting so much when I've only texted in front of him 3 times? The hell is that?

I can't keep writing, I am so pissed.

busy busy bee

it's been pretty crazy for me lately, especially the past couple of weeks. i've been cramming to finish my AP lit journal and essay (which i am currently working on) within the past week. i've been writing so much i swear i'm on the verge of getting carpal tunnel syndrome! but i know it's for the best; i can only reap the benefits of turning it in early.

i still have yet to see my friends. even my best friend! i haven't seen her in like 2 weeks and it makes me sad but i honestly have no time right now :(. with tennis, Tom Sawyer camp next week til august 15, and working on college apps/AP stuff, i'm booked. no one out of my group seems to be too bothered by the prospect that YEAH, we're applying in the fall! and it's not a good idea to start your applications/essays in september, especially when you know you're gonna have a lot to work on. me? 10 schools baby. i'm going to LOVE filling all that crap out. really.

i'm not too bothered though that i've been so busy. i like it. and i know it's for me. i know it's important. you can hang out with your friends anytime. college is once.

for the best?

if you don't miss someone you're supposed to be really close to, does that mean you don't need this person?

i love my friends dearly and they are the lifeblood of my er... life. but i've noticed that i've made an effort to see some and haven't really tried to connect with others. i feel as if i have uncovered one of life's hard-to-accept-but-have-to-realize mysteries. face it. when you see your friends all the time, it's easy to love them. but it is when you don't see them all the time that you realize who you're truly friends with. it's those whom you make an effort to hang out with that truly matter in your life.

i thought that i'd be hanging out with a larger variety of people over the summer than i am right now. but i guess i overestimated it all. sure i would have a wonderful time hanging out with some of the people i haven't seen since school let out. but if i don't see them for the next 2 months, i would be fine as well.

dog eat dog world. no time to waste on those i guess don't matter as much?

life-altering

that is exactly what pepperdine ycs was. life-altering. coming in on monday, june 23rd, i was skeptical when the counselors announced, "this week with literally change your life." on friday night at the banquet, i kept realizing how right they were.

the people i met in my dorm (number 11!), my rap group 4, the counselors, and the speakers all chiseled me into the person i am now. leaving my city and entering this new world of YCS has left me with so many memories. i am astounded to have this feeling of motivation and ambition as strong as i do.

i believe, for some reason, i got 1st alternate for girls state and didn't get to go for a reason- YCS. i cannot have imagined girls state being this much fun. everyone i met at pepperdine was hilarious and outgoing. not to mention, it was co-ed and i made a lot of friends of both sexes. girls state would've only allowed me to meet girls. i'm not sure how girls state is going for alyse but as of right now, i am so glad i got pepperdine. we had a talent show where narith and i performed "you are the music in me" from HSm and a dance wed night. everything was amazing.

and i am one happy camper :)