indescribable

I am so angry I am shaking. I get destructive when I'm angry and only he brings out that side of me. Every time, I want to kill him. How dare he bitch about today. I go out once that he knows of and he bitches. I'm 17, what the hell do you expect from me? I don't even know what his problem is. And then he bitches to my mom? About texting so much when I've only texted in front of him 3 times? The hell is that?

I can't keep writing, I am so pissed.

busy busy bee

it's been pretty crazy for me lately, especially the past couple of weeks. i've been cramming to finish my AP lit journal and essay (which i am currently working on) within the past week. i've been writing so much i swear i'm on the verge of getting carpal tunnel syndrome! but i know it's for the best; i can only reap the benefits of turning it in early.

i still have yet to see my friends. even my best friend! i haven't seen her in like 2 weeks and it makes me sad but i honestly have no time right now :(. with tennis, Tom Sawyer camp next week til august 15, and working on college apps/AP stuff, i'm booked. no one out of my group seems to be too bothered by the prospect that YEAH, we're applying in the fall! and it's not a good idea to start your applications/essays in september, especially when you know you're gonna have a lot to work on. me? 10 schools baby. i'm going to LOVE filling all that crap out. really.

i'm not too bothered though that i've been so busy. i like it. and i know it's for me. i know it's important. you can hang out with your friends anytime. college is once.

for the best?

if you don't miss someone you're supposed to be really close to, does that mean you don't need this person?

i love my friends dearly and they are the lifeblood of my er... life. but i've noticed that i've made an effort to see some and haven't really tried to connect with others. i feel as if i have uncovered one of life's hard-to-accept-but-have-to-realize mysteries. face it. when you see your friends all the time, it's easy to love them. but it is when you don't see them all the time that you realize who you're truly friends with. it's those whom you make an effort to hang out with that truly matter in your life.

i thought that i'd be hanging out with a larger variety of people over the summer than i am right now. but i guess i overestimated it all. sure i would have a wonderful time hanging out with some of the people i haven't seen since school let out. but if i don't see them for the next 2 months, i would be fine as well.

dog eat dog world. no time to waste on those i guess don't matter as much?

life-altering

that is exactly what pepperdine ycs was. life-altering. coming in on monday, june 23rd, i was skeptical when the counselors announced, "this week with literally change your life." on friday night at the banquet, i kept realizing how right they were.

the people i met in my dorm (number 11!), my rap group 4, the counselors, and the speakers all chiseled me into the person i am now. leaving my city and entering this new world of YCS has left me with so many memories. i am astounded to have this feeling of motivation and ambition as strong as i do.

i believe, for some reason, i got 1st alternate for girls state and didn't get to go for a reason- YCS. i cannot have imagined girls state being this much fun. everyone i met at pepperdine was hilarious and outgoing. not to mention, it was co-ed and i made a lot of friends of both sexes. girls state would've only allowed me to meet girls. i'm not sure how girls state is going for alyse but as of right now, i am so glad i got pepperdine. we had a talent show where narith and i performed "you are the music in me" from HSm and a dance wed night. everything was amazing.

and i am one happy camper :)

choosing

what i want: to stay close to my group of friends
reality: i'm too busy, always having meetings or trainings or whatever to make plans with them to hang out.

what i want: to still be considered a close friend
reality: i'm being replaced by people who don't do anything productive in the summer
and can go out and party every night or something like that.

what i want: get into an ivy league college or somewhere that kicks ass :)
consequence: im distanced from my group and closer to those with the same interests.

life sucks sometimes. but i gotta do what i gotta do and if this is the consequence, so be it. my future versus my high school friends? it's an easy decision.

first timer

i've always had an affinity for blogs. i remember how it started out on good old xanga and then moved to myspace, but in all honesty, i've never really liked the way the blogs there were set up. so we shall see how this goes :)

so school ended about a week ago and summer, thus far, has been good. i've been really busy with TSC camp counselor training and working as a volunteer TA for mrs. cervantes but i wouldn't want it any other way. this is my final summer before college apps and all the other senior stuff so i am happy with the way i'm choosing to spend my summer.

i will be leaving for the pepperdine ycs seminar with narith 6am in the morning on monday and i am super enthralled! i kind of sort of love meeting new people and being thrown out of my comfort zone so this is perfect. i'm gonna miss my baby a lot though. haven't been away from him for a long period of time (a week, hah!) in a while. but i guess it'll be a test as a well as a taste of what's to come when he leaves in sept. i'd like to think that sept will be a breeze for us and that we will be perfectly fine and we'll last but who knows, right?

anyway, i guess this is sufficient for my first blog. i think i'm liking blogspot!